What to do if Your Friend is a Communist: The Hilarious Wikihow Guide

WikiHow, a  site dedicated to answering the most pressing questions of our generation, has taken to task the awkward position of having a communist friend. Or in the context of Critical-Theory readers, a guide to being friends with you.

So how are the unwashed masses being instructed to deal with us? Here’s the Critical-Theory take on the best of WikiHow’s advice.

Being a Communist is pretty much a religion and they are equally entitled to their stupid opinions.

how to have a communist friend
Exhibit A

Well thank God. The last thing I ever want to do as a pinko commie is to justify my worldview. I’m glad we’ve finally been placed rightfully into the same multicultural category as “your evangelical christian friend” and 9/11 truthers.

We’re also encouraged in step 7 to stand up for our Communist friends when they are being picked on. Don’t worry bourgeois friend, I’ll save you from the purges when the revolution comes.

Communists are pretty much like Jews in that everyone is always trying to kill them.

red scare stories
Exhibit B

Ok, this might be true. Especially considering the confluence of anti-Semitism and Communist persecutions.  I hope one day to validate someone’s subtle McCarthyism when they defensively yell “I’m not a McCarthyite! I have a Communist friend!”

Be sure to validate your multicultural credentials by putting a copy of “The Communist Manifesto” right next to the Koran on your bookshelf.

communist friends read a book
Exhibit C

Perhaps Communism will become the new Buddhism, an exotic worldview that white liberals can readily consume with no ideological commitment.  Then Zizek can write essays about “coffee without caffeine” and “Communism without class struggle” and we’ll all rejoice about the humorous anecdotes.

Distract the Communist. Fun activities will make them forget you are their class enemy to be destroyed on the glorious battlefield of class warfare.

communist friend making soup
Exhibit D

In the meantime, be sure to secure your soup pot. The Communist is most likely actively trying to seize the means of soup production.

Read the full, unadultered guide at WikiHow.

[H/T Leiter Reports]